Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
