I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
