my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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