3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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