just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
