I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
