if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
