Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i think i just lost a toe
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
