If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
