I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
