Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
