OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
