walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
