i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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