a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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