if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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