I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
