How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
