Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
