On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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