Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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