i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
