I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
