i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
