Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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