Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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