Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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