i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
