she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
