bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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