It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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