bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
