I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
