All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
