3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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