On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
