The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
