Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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