Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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