im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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