I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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