She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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