you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
