For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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