he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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