What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i was born a porn star she said
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
