You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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