I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
