I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
