My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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