You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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